Things I like
by Nala
Summary: What does the brave crew of Enterprise do when stranded on a strange planet...yeah, right, they go insane...Please R&R, it's my first humorous fic


Title: Things I like

Author: Insa (Nala)

Disclaimer: Blabla…..all the characters of Star Trek: Enterprise belong to Paramount…..

Rating: G

Author's note: This is nonsense from the beginning to the end. It's a challenge entry. These sentences had to be in the story:

"Most neonatal amphibians are remarkably tiny" X

"Waz up" X

"Why did the chicken cross the road?" X

"Boxers or briefs?" X

"Paper or plastic?" X

"White or Wheat?"X

{any phrases from the theme song} X

"I'm a _______, not a _______" X

"Yo Mamma so fat..." X

"THE SKY IS FALLING, THE SKY IS FALLING!" X

"Get your filthy paws off of me..." X

"Got Milk?" X

"Dude, where's our shuttlecraft?" X

"Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow..." X

"You did WHAT while I was gone?" X

"Help! I've fallen and I can't get up!" X

Mindan, a nice small planet 

"Ensign, I really don't wish to learn swimming." T'Pol insisted. She already wished she's stayed on Enterprise. Since the whole senior staff had taken a shoreleave down on that planet, Hoshi tried hard to teach the Vulcan swimming. But T'Pol didn't want to learn swimming. There were no lakes on Vulcan, Enterprise didn't contain a swimming pool and she normally didn't participate on shoreleaves.  So why should she learn swimming. It was unnecessary. 

"I'm sure you'll be doing just fine. I can already see you swimming in the sea like a fish, or a water snake or some kind of amphibian.

"Yeah!" Trip, who was sitting near with Malcolm watching the scene, remarked. "Most neonatal amphibians are remarkable tiny." The men laughed and nearly fell off the stone they were sitting on and caught each other to prevent this.

T'Pol sighed. She really didn't want to learn swimming, especially not in front of Malcolm and Trip, but she wasn't eager to let herself be laughed at, too. So she finally followed Hoshi into the warm water and let her teach her some swimming. When Doctor Phlox arrived nearby he watched the scene for some minutes, then went over to the two grinning senior officers.

"Why exactly are the two of them swimming in the water like, like frogs? Can't they do it the normal way?"

"I'm pretty sure Hoshi wants to be a good teacher. And hey, T'Pol learns quickly, doesn't she? I think it's time for a little water party." Trip's grin grew even broader.

"Don't you think she'll kill you if you drop her under water?" Malcolm asked, pulling two bath suits out of his bag. "What do you think Trip? Boxers or briefs?"

Trip put his left hand over his eyes and then pointed blindly towards one of the trousers.

"So it's boxers." Malcolm told him what he'd just chosen.

"Hoshi's gonna like it." Trip grinned. The three of them changed and after a few minutes they ran into the water screaming, causing Hoshi to scream also and T'Pol, after she'd recognised what they had in mind, to move backwards. The bad thing about that was, that water, especially in seas like the one they were swimming in, didn't grew more flat but more deep the more you go backwards. So suddenly the Vulcan had no ground under her feet and had to prove she had learned something during the last few minutes.

Trip who had just given Hoshi the chance to take a few breaths suddenly realised T'Pol's situation. He gave Malcolm a knock in the side to get his attention.

"Tell me Malcolm, why do these Vulcans always have to get themselves in trouble?" he let out a sigh and swam towards T'Pol who was thinking he wanted to drown her.

"Stay away Commander." She ordered but Trip was very little impressed.

"I'm just trying to help ya out T'Pol." He shouted but the science officer didn't seem to believe him.

"You tried to drown Ensign Sato as well." She stated and continued to swim (well, if that's what we can call it, she already got out of breath) backwards.

"It's just a game."

But instead of listening to him T'Pol who had come to the conclusion that she could swim no further started to splash him full with water. Trip laughed (not the reaction she expected) and did as she did. After a while he finally got near enough to grab her round the wrists and pull her close to him. He managed to calm her by explaining her the fun of the game that was when boys kept putting the girls under water. T'Pol didn't really find this so funny but she let him pull her to the outside.

When everyone had got out of the water after a while they just recognised the captain and Travis running down the shore towards them. 

"THE SKY IS FALLING, THE SKY IS FALLING!" Archer screamed. He seemed, well some kind of, nuts ?

"Captain?" T'Pol asked with a (what else) raised eyebrow.

"It's falling down, it's falling down on our heads. I saw it come. It will fall down here, too. Let's hurry."

"Uhm, Travis, what's up with him?" Trip asked, eyeing Jon suspiciously. 

"I don't know. He's apparently believing the sky is falling."

"We got that now, too. Perhaps we should go back to the shuttle and make it back to Enterprise." Trip sighed. He didn't like that idea that much. Leaving the shore, leaving the sea and leaving the sight of Hoshi and T'Pol in bath suits made him really angry. Travis nodded and informed the rest of the crew. Malcolm and T'Pol took Archer by his arms and dragged him forward as he continued to scream that the sky was falling down. T'Pol got really annoyed. Nothing was going like she wanted it. First she had to learn how to swim. She didn't like it. Then she had to wear a bikini. She didn't like the men's looks. Then her captain seemed to be insane. Well, she didn't like that, too. And if that wasn't already enough, she had to drag him to the shuttlepod with him screaming into her sensitive ears.

"Dude, where's our shuttlecraft?"

Hoshi's voice made all of them look up. T'Pol let the captain sink down on the floor with his head buried in his hands and began surveying the area.

"It seems as if you're right." She stated.

"Hey and Sub-Commander?" Hoshi announced the annoyed Vulcan.

"Yes Ensign?"

"Where are our clothes?"

T'Pol added this fact to the list of things she didn't like about this day. Their clothes had obviously gone, too. That meant they'd have to stay in their bath suits until they found a way to find the shuttle or to go back to Enterprise without them.

She turned to Hoshi and then did something very unlike Vulcan: She shrugged her shoulders in a kind of despaired way.

"I don't know." She answered. When the two women returned to the group Trip immediately  saw the unhappy look on Hoshi's face.

"Waz up?" he asked.

Hoshi sighed. 

"Someone took the shuttle pod. We have to find a way to get back to Enterprise without it. And whoever it was, he found it very funny to take our clothes, too."

Trip, who had been grinning moments ago now looked rather unhappy. He, Malcolm, Hoshi and T'Pol had nothing else to wear than their bath suits and it was already beginning to cool down. T'Pol frowned. She didn't like that either.

Suddenly Malcolm grinned at them.

"You're going to freeze, I still have my briefs." He exclaimed proudly, holding up his brief bath suit. Travis put his hand over his eyes and said:

"Yeah, RIGHT Malcolm. You still have your brief bath suit. You surely will be much warmer than the others."

Archer laughed hysterically, watching the sky suspiciously. 

"We should go and find a way to get back to Enterprise. The sooner we leave this planet, the better." T'Pol ordered and began to lead the group of them away from the beautiful shore. They looked very interesting doing so: In front of the group the slim Vulcan followed by Trip and Malcolm who were still arguing if dry briefs were warmer than wet boxers, then came Phlox and Travis who were dragging the hysterical Captain with them and Hoshi made the last one with Porthos by her side.

The little dog was running around happily. He didn't seem to notice that his friend Jonathan wasn't his normally self at the moment. He liked Hoshi, too, so it made no difference. He would eventually stop and sniff around, then come up as fast as he could to keep up with the group.

After half an hour the group had left the shore and had entered a small town. The habitants of this planet knew other species so they would not be scared by them and they didn't have to hide. Well, that was at least what they thought. When they entered the town there were no people and it was very quiet.

"That's not supposed to be so quiet, is it?" Hoshi asked with a trembling voice. They were standing all together. Even Jonathan stopped laughing like a hyena for a moment when T'Pol pulled out a scanner and begin to scan the area around them.

"No, it is not. Normally 30.234 Mindani should be living here. I'm picking up no biosigns." She stated flatly. Mentally she added arriving in a deserted town to the list of things she didn't like. 

Hoshi was near to tears. Malcolm saw his chance and put his arm around her.

"Hey, that we are standing in a ghost town doesn't mean there are really ghosts in here. You really don't need to be afraid."

Hoshi sniffed and looked at him thankfully.

T'Pol was going to give orders just as they saw Porthos go off in a high speed. He ran towards one of the houses barking, running through the doors of what seemed to be a saloon and disappeared inside it.

"Porthos!"

Everyone watched Archer curiously as he suddenly stood up straight and looked around him. But it was just a brief clear moment, he began to laugh shortly after that.

"I'm gonna get him." Trip offered. T'Pol thanked him with a nod. At least one person seemed to be thinking of what could bring them forward. Trip went through the same door as Porthos had minutes ago. The remaining officers waited impatiently. Nothing was to be heard at first but suddenly a loud

"Get your filthy paws off of me..." could be heard and soon after that Trip came out of the saloon again, Porthos under his right arm, a small brown cat under his left arm. The two seemed to like each other very much as Porthos tried to reach the cat and lick it's head the whole time. When he arrived at his friends, Trip put down the two animals who immediately sat next to each other and watched the big people curiously.

"I'd like to name her after my grandmother, T'Mir." T'Pol suddenly exclaimed. Everyone watched her.

"Maybe she's gone mad, too." Travis suggested but earned a raised eyebrow from the Vulcan science officers.

"No Ensign, I'm not mad. But as this cat doesn't seem to leave the Captain's dog and so will accompany us it needs a name. Before you suggest names like Millie, Miezi and other foolish cat names I prefer naming her after a person of great honour.

"I'm sure she's honoured very much." Travis muttered but didn't dare to speak any louder. Vulcan ears were very good, he knew that. T'Pol added stupid names to the things she didn't like. While walking on she realised that this shoreleave was frustrating. Nothing seemed to go the way it planned. She tried to focus on how it could have come this far when she felt really disturbed by a nagging noise. She turned around and saw Porthos barking happily while T'Mir walked besides him with a steady

"Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow...".

Hoshi was already rolling her eyes.

"Shut up!" she told the animals but they didn't react.

"Perhaps you should try to meow, too Hoshi. Shouldn't be a problem for you, as a linguist, hm?" Travis grinned but Phlox had a more serious suggestion.

"Perhaps they are just hungry. We should get them something to eat." He suggested and was surprised that T'Pol nodded.

"You are right. Perhaps we also find some clothing. It is beginning to get really cold. Commander Tucker, you are joining me, Ensign Mayweather you and Lieutenant Reed build the second group, Doctor you watch the Captain and Ensign Sato, the animals are your responsibility."

"Aye Ma'am." The officers said simultaneous and began to do what the second in command had just ordered them to do.

Trip and T'Pol had entered a big old house. Trip went up the stairs while T'Pol searched the lower section for something to wear or to eat. She had to admit that she was freezing but she could not let this become the main point in this journey. She had to bring the crew out of this just as the Captain would have done if he was sane. 

Carefully stepping inside a room she recognised that it was dark inside. The dirty curtains covered the windows fully and everything was incredibly dusty. As T'Pol touched  small cupboard with her finger hundreds of little dust molecules flew up and made their way through her nose inside her lungs. T'Pol stood there coughing for a few seconds until she was able to breath again. She blinked and went on slowly trying not to disperse any more dust. When she heard a low scroop she turned around quickly.

"Commander Tucker? Is this you?" she asked but got no answer. "Commander! This is not funny."

Before she could wait for another answer she suddenly had to realise where the scroop came from. Before she could call Trip for help the ground conceded under her feet and she fell two meters until she hit the floor. She felt a bit dizzy at first but when everything became a bit clearer around her again she realised she was in a small basement. She pushed away some of the shelves that still lay on her body and tried to stand up. It was then that she realised this wasn't a very good idea. 

The pain came so suddenly that she couldn't suppress the scream. Trip, who had been more lucky then T'Pol immediately came rushing down the stairs and came to a stop when he realised the hole in the floor. He put away his armful of clothes he had found upstairs and lay himself on the ground, sliding nearer to it's edge.

"Uhm, T'Pol?" he asked.

"Help! I've fallen and I can't get up."

Trip thought for a moment. The hole was far to deep to climb down, he had no idea how to come up again, especially with an injured Vulcan. Then he got an idea.

"Wait a minute, don't move." He called out. T'Pol raised an eyebrow. Of course she would not move. She added lying in a dark basement with a hurting leg to the things she didn't like.

She began drifting off to sleep when she suddenly saw a long snake coming down from the edge of the hole. No, that was definitely not a snake. It was….in the dark she couldn't really see what it was.

"Ok T'Pol, I've knotted a few of the shirts I've found together. I hope this will work. Grab them, I'll pull you up." Trip called out. T'Pol raised an eyebrow. She doubted they would hold her weight though she didn't weigh that much. She grabbed the end of the snake and groaned with pain as her foot was moved. Trip on the other hand wondered how light she was. He had no difficulties in puling her up and when he reached her hand he pulled her up without the cloth-snake. 

He was nearly scared as he saw her exhausted and painful look. Her foot hurt so much that T'Pol wasn't able to suppress the pain. Trip carefully took her up and wrapped a jacket around her that he had found before. 

"Thank you Commander." She said as she watched him take on some trousers and a shirt. He gave her a light blue skirt and turned politely as she put it on. He backed her while they left the house again. T'Pol was thankful for his support and inwardly realised that she was also thankful for his body heat that warmed her up a bit. When they arrived at Phlox and Hoshi the first thing they realised was that Hoshi had obviously cut her hair.

Before anyone could say something Phlox stood up, telling Archer to stay where he was and helped Trip bringing T'Pol in a comfortable situation next to Hoshi. T'Pol tried to focus on something else but the pain but the only thing that came into her mind was Hoshi's new haircut.

So while Phlox bandaged her angle T'Pol tried to speak to Hoshi who seemed happy about the change and immediately gave in.

"So why did you get this new haircut, Ensign?" T'Pol asked.

"Oh, I had really nothing to do here because Porthos and T'Mir seem to be able to have fun by themselves. So I thought that Malcolm could perhaps like it when my hair was a bit shorter. Do you like it?" Hoshi answered.

"I think it suits you well, Ensign. I wonder that you got the idea to cut your hair while looking after the animals."

"You did WHAT while I was gone?" 

Hoshi and T'Pol turned around (as well as one can turn around when a doctor is bandaging one's foot) and saw a shocked looking Malcolm behind them. He and Travis had obviously succeeded in finding food. Malcolm jaw dropped and he stared at Hoshi.

"I…..cut my hair?" Hoshi answered carefully but it sounded more like a question.

"Yeah, I see that." Malcolm watched Hoshi a few moments then smiled.

"It looks great. Sorry I was so shocked first. It just seemed so different." 

T'Pol raised an eyebrow. She'd never understand humans, that was clear by now. A loud

"CAPTAIN!" from Trip pulled everyone's attention to Archer who was walking into the direction they had originally come from. "Where ya goin'?" Trip shouted as Archer stopped, turned around and watched his senior crew seriously.

"I? I'm going where my heart will take me!"

Then he turned around again and continued walking away. T'Pol considered the situation. They would be much more relaxed if the insane Captain wasn't with them but she knew she couldn't let this happen.

"Lt. Reed, bring him back and tie him up." She ordered and Malcolm did as he was to do. As he brought Jonathan to the science officer T'Pol stood up, again backed by Trip who was at her side at once.

"Captain, if you will not stay with us and keep quiet I will have Lt. Reed tie you to a tree and wait until you're unconscious. 

Archer bit his lip.

"I'm sorry mummy. I didn't want to make you angry." He was near tears.

T'Pol only raised and eyebrow and decided it was best not to argue with him in this state.

"It's all right Jonathan." She said and padded him on the head as she had seen humans do with their children. She then turned her attention back to Travis who was carrying a box with food. She divided the food so everyone had something to eat and they had lunch. It was Trip who realised that the animals were staring at them hungrily. 

"Hey Travis!" he called out to the helmsman. "Got milk?"

Travis searched inside the box and then help up a pack of milk. He threw it to Trip who caught it up and gave Porthos and T'Mir some milk to drink. They drank it happily, then started barking and meowing again. 

Travis took the pack and searched for a garbage can. He found two a few meters away. One had a big red sign "Paper" on it, the other one said "Plastic". Travis watched the pack in his hand, turned it around and watched it again. Watched it, watched it and watched it.

"Ensign, what is the problem? We wish to continue our walk." Phlox called out. Travis turned around, holding the pack up.

"Paper or plastic?" he yelled.

The others looked at each other confused.

"Doc! Paper or plastic?" Travis addressed the doctor.

"I'm a doctor not a scientist!" Phlox answered, shrugging his shoulders.

"I'm a scientist!" T'Pol exclaimed. "Put it in the paper can and hurry up Ensign."

Travis did as he was told, glad anyone had got this difficult question right. He joined the group and they went on. After fifteen minutes of walking T'Pol's angle hurt so much she refused to walk any further.

"Sub-Commander, if we want to find a way back to Enterprise we can't pause every fifteen minutes. Can't you try to walk for a bit more time?" Hoshi asked her, trying to comfort her but she realised herself that the Vulcan had paled and seemed in no condition to walk any further. 

"You are right, you have to go on. It would be the best if you left me here and return when you have found a way back to the ship." She said quietly but Trip shook his head.

"No way girl." He picked her up in his strong arms and let her rest her head against his shoulder. "Comfortable?" he asked and as she nodded and closed her eyes he smiled to himself.

They walked on in silence as all of them began to get tired by now. Malcolm had his arm around Hoshi and Phlox had begun singing to Archer as he dragged him along with Travis. Archer was in his own happy little world. He was happy that at the end the sky had not fallen down on them. When he saw a small animal run over the road in front of them he stopped and set a quizzing look upon his face.

"Captain, is there a problem?" Malcolm asked.

"Why did the chicken cross the road?" Archer asked and turned around. He asked the one person again who always had a logical answer for everything.

"Hey, T'Pol! Why did the chicken cross the road?"

T'Pol opened her eyes sleepily and eyed him.

"Excuse me, what did you say?" she asked.

"Why did the chicken cross the road?" he asked again.

"I saw no chicken cross the road."

"But….."

"Shut up Jon. She needs to rest." Trip addressed Archer who sulked immediately. 

"Yo mamma, so fat….!" He muttered angrily which earned him an angry look from Hoshi. Travis and Phlox grabbed him again and put a tape over his mouth.

"Perhaps there was one good thing though." Hoshi suddenly exclaimed.

"If a chicken ran there perhaps it's a sign. We should follow it."

"Follow a chicken?" Trip asked.

"It's better than nothing, isn't it? We need the Captain to be checked and T'Pol of course. By the way it's really cold right now and who knows how cold it will be in a few hours." Hoshi defended herself.

They considered this and after a while they agreed. They followed the little white chicken and after a while they came into a dark road. They chicken turned right and shortly after this it came to a cross way. The chicken turned right and after a few seconds a bundle of wheat appeared on the left side. "White" as they had called the chicken because of it's colour cackled and stared at the officers.

"White or wheat?" Travis asked.

"We trusted the chicken before." Trip said and they ran towards White. The chicken speeded up and so did the crew. Trip had no difficulties because T'Pol wasn't heavy. Suddenly a green light surrounded them and when they dared to open their eyes again they stood in front of the shuttle pod.

"How…..?" T'Pol who had also opened her eyes asked.

A giant chicken stood in front of them.

"You are very brave. But before I let you go I have one last question. Everyone of you has to say what he likes. If you say the truth you are free to go. Hoshi?"

"I like…..talking. Talking a lot and in lots of different languages."

"You said the truth, you are free to go. Phlox?"

"I like all those small animals in sickbay and my wives."

"There you go. Jonathan?"

"I like…Uhm, I like lots of things. Waterpolo, Porthos, exploring, the sky….."

"Ok ok, that's enough. You may go. Travis?"

"Uhm, I like flying enterprise."

"Free to go, Malcolm?"

"Phase canons and photon torpedoes."

"Then we have the two of you left. Trip, what do you like?"

Trip watched T'Pol and saw her sleeping features. She looked cute when she was sleeping. He went nearer to the giant chicken and whispered.

"I think I like T'Pol."

The Vulcan opened her eyes and raised an eyebrow.

"I think I like you, too, Commander." She said before drifting off again.

The chicken watched the shuttle pod fly away. It nodded to himself. It had done a good job, again.


End file.
